Half way there, baby

21-weeks

I remember 2 years ago, when we were expecting Elin, how excited we were and ready we felt. We bought clothes that I folded and re folded over and over, always being far to meticulous about poppering them up correctly. The changing station was arranged so methodically that night changes were sure to be breeze, right? The Moses basket stood so proudly by our bed as we eagerly awaited the tiny human that would occupy it. That excitement of first time parents is so amazing and innocent and I honestly get so excited for others who I know are feeling it right now.

You don’t have that the second time.

Because no, we aren’t ready. We won’t ever be ready for a second little baby shaped bomb to enter our lives and change us entirely. I’m not ready for the true meaning of sleep deprivation to hit us all over again, too soon after Elin finally learned what sleep is. We don’t have enough burping clothes or muslins or baby grows to accommodate the blow outs from both ends of baby. Is there ever enough? I’m not ready for the cluster feeds, the self doubt, the anxiety, the mum guilt. And I’m so not ready to juggle life with two and somehow balance my time between mothering and teaching a toddler, nurturing and protecting a new born, being a wife, a cook, a cleaner and somehow a human being too. I am not ready.

But there is still excitement, and if anything its so much better this time around. Because now I know how truly magical these babies are. I know the absolute, unconditional love you feel for them and how one smile can lift you up for days. I can actually understand how beautiful but fleeting babyhood is and really appreciate it for all that its worth. The love I feel for Elin is too much to ever put into words. And I know that currently, in my belly is a whole new life who will steal my heart in the exact same way. And this time, I also have the greatest privilege of seeing Elin become a big sister. I don’t expect it to be smooth sailing or easy by any means, but I know that there will be the heart melting moments where she is kind to her baby brother or sister; where she plants a beautiful kiss on it’s cheek, or shares her peanut butter sandwich or pushes them on the swings, and those moments are enough to live off of.

So while things are so different in subsequent pregnancies, and time moves very very differently; the joy of knowing a brand new life is growing and kicking away in my tummy, is more powerful than ever.

We can’t wait to meet you little one, you already complete this family.

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